Valentine's Day; Adult Style

Well, the boy that kept me busy blogging this summer is still at it nine months later:

I've never had a more perfectly executed holiday in my life. He pulled out all the stops & for a boy that loves football & hunting, I am DAMN impressed (yes, still impressed a month later). He ended the note with "9 months down, with forever to go." & in the nicest Greek restaurant in town, I had one of those fairytale moments that I've only seen on the silver screen. I have always been hesitant to publicize about how happy & lovey dovey I am, but I think that is over. Being in love, not infatuation, but REAL love is absolutely amazing. It has turned me into a person I had no clue I could be & if more people could experience genuine love from another person there'd be a few less pills for depression & a few more floral companies. I'm not bragging, I'm advocating. I'm advocating that every person who reads my blog realizes that they are a human being & just by being human you are AMAZING! Once you realize how truly amazing you are, you realize you deserve no less than amazing. The act of loving someone is amazing & rewarding. Get off the anti-relationship bandwagon, let your guard down, meet a fabulous person & never let them go.

-LC

Inhibited.

I think my inability to take things seriously is starting to really play against me. I laugh at myself, I laugh at others, ideas, religions, science, politics, farts, belches, cat videos & when people fall/fail. I find humour in just about everything except when people step on my shoes or when there is a spider/wasp/bee/etc. in the room. I laugh when I'm nervous. Laughter is basically my means of dealing with things when I don't think it should be taken too seriously. I don't see a problem in any of this. I thing that if more people learned to laugh about themselves & not take who they are & what they believe too seriously, we'd all get along a lot better. Lately though, I don't think being laid back is playing to my advantage.

I think people in power write me off as an air head, insincere, & uninterested. Why? I can't safely speak for the people who view me as such, but I believe it comes from an inability to put an immediate label on me. Here is my reasoning: First, I take pride in my appearance (when it counts) & being on top means looking like you're on top. That said, I don't mind wearing clothes that a 21 year-old SHOULD wear. Just because I don't wear button ups, slacks, & loafers does not mean I'm not sincere. By taking pride in what I wear, I think I'm two steps ahead of the game. Sure someone older & more professional than me can get the job done, but I can can do it with PIZZAZZ! To those who say 'who needs pizzazz'? I say, 'we all do.' Life in America is dull, trivial, & predictable, & getting up in the morning & putting on a fresh pair of heels & some red lipstick is what I do to fill my life with a little spark.

Secondly, positions I am going for are held & supervised predominantly by women. Women get intimidated by other women & no matter what the age; I am intimidating. I am 21, well spoken, gradually educated, outgoing, a non-eye sore, & WORST OF ALL I'm a pretty damn nice person. Most women my age & older take that and treat me like I am below them just because they hold a position of power & I don't. They perceive my niceness as a means of achieving when in reality my niceness comes from a personal desire to be nice & put others at ease. Being a nice person to me is not about what I can get out of it, but how it can make others feel. If there is still a glass ceiling, it is perpetuated by other women at this moment.

Finally, when I treat the issues in life as trivial that others find vastly important, they take that as a direct insult & label me as I have previously stated. I don't feel like I need to put anymore explanation into this other than this; If I make light of something you feel is hugely important, don't be a pansy & hold it against me. SPEAK. UP. You were given a voice for more than water cooler gossip, Ladies.

-LC

When Meeting Russians

... Make sure you have a Russian name.

This past weekend, I went to Lake Table rock with the boy and some of his friends; and let me tell you, I have never been so thankful to have a mispronounced name in my life. I am named after my dad, Larry Dwayne Cross. Of course, it is impossible to name a girl Larry, so my parents chose the next best thing; Larissa. Coincidentally, it is a Russian name which became poular in the U.S. after the movie Dr. Zhivago became popular. Luckily for me, the Russians aboard the boat I went out on with were big fans of my name and I had an automatic in with the group. It is always a plus when you get the approval of the friends.

After an eight day absence of the main squeeze, it was great to spend the weekend with him and my favorite people. I got to see my roommate and bestie turn 23, my long lost love Savannah came down from Arkansas and my boy returned from Florida on Friday for a night for the books. I love celebrations and my friends. Good things continue to happen and I am a blessed individual.

... And a strong parting shot of Amber showing off my man cave sign.

-LC

The High Fidelity Complex

I suffer from the "High Fidelity" complex. For those of you who have been living under a rock and have not experienced the awesome, cinematic gold that is "High Fidelity" starring John Cusack, I cannot help you. Here is your only lifeline; spend 9 bucks HERE, knock out the movie and then continue reading this.

Anywho, I have the two classic symptoms. 1.) Failure to commit and 2.) Pursuit of the fantasy. I present my case to a jury of my peers. Judge away.

Symptom #1 - Commitment issues

I find relationships intolerable, because I like to keep my options open. Why should I be tied down to one man when Prince Charming could come along at any second. Believe me, I know how idiotic and naive that sounds. I cannot tell you the countless conversations I have had in my head while listening to Belle and Sebastian, kicking back a Honeymoon and porch sitting. The point is, I don't like to limit myself and in the past a relationship has meant I am boxing myself in and therefore I am left option less. I can't help but relate to Rob when he says,

"I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments."

I have never fully committed to someone. I have never allowed myself to because of that whole options fetish. But I cannot simply chock it up to that reason alone. The main reason I am a detached, pathetic human being is because I'm scared. I have been left before. I have had heartbreak, and all that junk you hear on the radio and I would like to opt out of anymore of it, Thank you. But for once in my 20 years of life, I have found that the risk I am taking by thinking about my future, caring about someone, letting them see every aspect of who I am, that there is a pleasure, that just cannot be met by being aloof.

Symptom #2 - All about the Fantasy

I am in love with the chase. I love the fantasy that ensues with every knew relationship. Nothing is boring and everything is a first. You don't have to think about the other persons habits that will potentially drive you up the wall and vice versa. My catch 22 is that, every relationship is perfect in the beginning for me. I only see the good, which is the fantasy and surprise. But every relationship, save one in the past, has ended because I become bored. Leave it to Rob to express how I feel,

Rob: I'm tired of the fantasy, because it doesn't really exist. And there are never really any surprises, and it never really...
Laura: Delivers?
Rob: Delivers. And I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of everything else for that matter. But I don't ever seem to get tired of you, so....

I have finally made the realization it is rare that any of these pursuits will deliver. I don't mean that in the sense that relationships in general are doomed for failure. I mean that in the sense that, every relationship I pursue simply for the thrill of the fantasy is doomed. If I continue to pursue people simply because I am intrigued by the fantasy, then what happens when the fantasy is over? Absolutely nothing.

I am finally understanding that to make a relationship work, it should be pursued because the desire to be with that person, make them happy is the motivation behind it all. Instaed of simply wanting the fantasy, I want it all from someone; the good and the bad and no exceptions, Thanks.

Prescription - Take the Leap

I've got to get off the male hating, relationship fearing, band wagon and, frankly, grow up. It is the oldest card in the world for people to play and I am sick of being Negative Nancy when it comes to relationships. Why am I denying myself the potential happiness I deserve because I'm such a chicken? So, the doctors orders are in and it is time for me to grow a pair, get over my fear and take a risk.

Cure?

Be in a facebook OFFICIAL, sleeping over, meeting the parents relationship with a boy I am flat out crazy about. ; )

I'm excited to see what the future brings. Stay Tuned!

-LC

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Larissa Does Germany

Correction: I only partook in their food ... in Arkansas. I know, I know. I wouldn't expect much from Arkansas and their take on German food, BUT The Bavarian Inn KILLS IT!

I pretended to be a food critic for a minute. I could not help documenting the huge feast I partook in. Sauerkraut soup, and roast duck. Needless to say, I'm a little less mad about that whole World War II thing.

I bring this up, because I did the annual Cross Family Venture to Eureka Springs this past weekend. Always a good way to start off the summer. Today is Wednesday. Thursday I am meeting up with a photographer as a precursor to becoming a model for him. No worries. He's not a perv, so I won't end up nude in shot 64. I'm excited. Mainly because I have never done anything like this and there's nothing like a new experience to spice life up life a bit. However exciting this may be, I am LIGHT YEARS more excited about what Friday is bringing. Friday, I will be traveling to Shell Knob, Missouri, to pick up the missing piece of my life. A bloodhound. I'm buying him from Country Lake Bloodhounds. Their homepage has the Beverly Hillbillies theme song going, so you know it is legit. I have wanted a bloodhound for some time. I've put a lot of hours into figuring out whether or not I need this dog, and it just feels perfect.

I'm real satisfied on life right now. Everything is just perfect. Expect an update of my joy with my dog later this week.

-LC

Closing shot of me and my parents dog heading back home.

A Late, but Still Windy Chicago

Well, it has been well over a month since I have returned home from Chicago and I am just now getting a chance to sit down and blog about it. This should tell you something about how ridiculous this semester has been lately. I'm so burnt out on school, it is ridiculous. I need summer like crazy. I want river time, sunshine, sunglasses, bare shoulders, star watching and late nights. Anywho, CHICAGO!

I went to Chicago with the Sociology club at MSSU for the Midwest Sociology Convention. It was my first time in Chicago and it blew me away...Literally! We stayed at the Mariott Mile High Hotel and It was the perfect way to see the city.

We were right in the heart of downtown and literally minutes away from everything. The second day, the roomie and I skipped out on classes and took a trip to Boys Town. It is the largest and first official Gay Community in America. The shopping was out of this world, the people were friendly and we took in plenty of good sightseeing. In Boys Town, the bars stay open till 3 a.m. during the week and 5 a.m. on the weekends. We went during the day, but the area was practically alive with activity and overall good vibes.

One of my favorite things about the trip, was getting to spend A LOT of quality time with people I find substance and admire as fellow students. And of course I got to hang out with my favorite professor, Dr. Conrad Gubera.

I have him and the convention to thank for giving me the solidity I needed in my decision to change majors and put my faith in Sociology being the direction I need to take my college career.

So, to keep this post from being a novel, I'll wrap up with saying Chicago did not rule out the possibility of going to the University of Chicago some day. I am adverse to cold weather and wind, but the city itself is darn near perfect. I found it exactly to my liking and if I call it home some day, I won't complain... That is if the whole state of Illinois doesn't implode before I get there. : ) Here's a picture Ms. Quakenbush (The Chicago roomie) snapped of me on the subway at 2 a.m.. Needless to say, I SURVIVED THE SUBWAY! It was my first time and being a midwestern girl, I was pretty darn proud of my ability to manage myself in such a large, foreign environment.

-LC

P.S. EVERYONE IN THE MIDWEST IS A BUNCH OF LIARS!! If you ever want REAL Chicago style pizza, go here:

And get the four cheese and think of me when you are going to heaven on a little garlic and cheesey cloud. Graffiti is strongly encouraged here, so Glendola busted out her finger nail police and we got our vandalization on. Here's a closing shot of me with my handy work.

Home

Yep. Got a House. Stay tuned to see if I can keep it ; ) Move in date is the 26th. Until then I'll be pretty scarce. Wedding on the 27th and back to school on the 29th. Chicago for the Sociology Convention on the 31st - 3rd of April and Jefferson City on the 12th and 13th. Too bad I won't be able to enjoy this little beauty too much for a bit. Can't have your cake and eat it too, right? More to come.

-LC

Ryan Adams & Me

For all the hours here that move too slow

There's all this letting go, that don't pass

If all this love is real, how will we know?

If we're only scared of losing it, how will it last?

If I am a stranger now to you

I will always be, I will always be

Stronger now then me, stronger then you

Our love will always be

And if we let it go, I will try to be there for you

If I can, what if I can't?

Today is yesterday when you don't know

How to rebuild the walls that someone has knocked down

To tell the truth it's hard enough about a lover

Who you want to hide your darkness from

So they won't let you down

If I am a stranger now to you

I will always be, I will always be

Stronger now then me, stronger then you

Our love will always be

And if we let it go, I will try to be there for you

I will try and be there for you

If I can, what if I can't?

For all the hours here that move to slow

There's all this letting go, that won't pass

If all this love is real, how will we know?

And if were only scared of losing it, how will it last?

If I am a stranger now to you

I will always be, I will always be

Stronger now then me, stronger than you

Our love will always be

If we let it go, I will try to be there for you

I will try to be there for you

I will try to be there for you

If I can, what if I can't?

-Ryan Adams, If I am a Stranger

Today was a good day. Bike ride (I got adventurous and found new roads). Down side = I now have butt calluses and my legs are gonna fall off. Saw a cute boy and made breakfast complete with Cupcake Fruitty Pebbles. I highly recommend them ... the cute boy and the cereal. Went to the store with the roomie and her bf, got some brews, and we're getting ready to chow on some homemade mexican food. Homework time hasn't hit yet, but I am not even dreading it. Like I said, today has been a good day. I'm ready for this week. Lemme' at it.

-LC

A night With Ms. Cross

I am not a photographer by any means. I leave it to the ones with true talent i.e. Mr. Landberg. But seeing as I am going on a few trips in the near future; Chicago with the Sociology club, Washington for Sasquatch, Padre with the Roomie and The deep south to visit a long lost relative, I felt it was necessary to get a new camera and take some quality pictures. I picked up the Canon S90 last friday and I am in love. I took a few pictures tonight while studying to try and get a feel for it, and I thought they weren't too shabby. So keep a lookout for my photography album coming soon to my Myspace page. JkJkJk. Back to the grind.

-LC

Obsessions

So, I've found that the best way to fight stress is to keep myself distracted, busy and intrigued. Here are a few of the things that are keeping me distracted from the fact that I just added on one more class to my already full load;

1.) Johnny Cash

I picked up this little gem last weekend at Vintage Stock and found his greatest hits for 5 bucks at trusty Wal-mart. I would also like to report, that I kicked my friend Cody's rear at "Ring of Fire" on Guitar Hero at a party last week. Not to brag or anything. I can't beat my roommate, because she is basically a fembot when it comes to Guitar Hero, so it felt good to finally win and glorify such a kicker of a song. Anywho, I also picked up Walk the Line last Sunday and it hasn't left my computer since.

2.) NPR App

Thanks to the NPR App, I can be a nerd on the go.

This is the perfect little (free!!) app to pop in the headphones and tune out the noise at work, working out, and just being lazy. Go get it .

3.) Red Diamond Sweet Tea

Need I say more? I'm from Oklahoma, my favorite holiday is the 4th of July and I love back and front porch sitting. Of course I love sweet tea. Also, I'm lazy; therefore, Red Diamond prevents me from having to make my own tea.

4.)SHOES!

Surprise, surprise. What shopping addict isn't obsessed with shoes when all the Spring collections roll around.

These shoes have been calling my name. Unfortunately, I have a "No ordering Shoes online" rule. I have to be able to try them on and see them in person to makes sure they are perfect. As much as I love the sparkle and shine that the fall and winter lines bring around, I am all about the colors and patterns and possibilities that the Spring line brings. It's nice to be able to sit inside hiding from the 30 degree weather with hot tea, and pour over pages and pages of pretty skirts and shorts that are just so full of the awesome prospect of warm weather.

5.) Family

I've been heading back home at just about every chance I can get. This coming weekend, I am picking up my neices from school on Friday and I am watching them until Sunday. We are going to take in some bowling, a movie and some serious trampoline time. It's going to be a good time.

-LC

Nonsense

I found this on StumbleUpon and I just couldn't resist sharing. It makes me miss this past spring when the Star Trek movie came out. Such a good movie and such a good time of my life. Welp, this weekend is a fundraiser for Trisha A. Raney and a Rock the vote event. Plus I'm getting to spend some time with the parents. I'm looking forward to it.

Also, I interviewed this morning for to be a peer mentor for the freshman experience classes at Missouri Southern. I got the job and that means I am adding about 3 hours on top of my 18 this semester. I might have a death wish, but I am so excited to have this opportunity. Did I mention I am a very fortunate individual. Life is good.

LC

These!

These!

I lost them. I discovered as of Tuesday of this past week that a SINGLE one of my Sperry's is missing. Overall it has really put a kink in my week. I guess what is throwing me is that I am missing one. Not both, but one. That means I didn't leave them somewhere, because I have never returned home only wearing one shoe and I am never inebriated to that extent anymore.

No, I do not sail. I just have a soft spot for shoes that channel old man tendencies and are too comfortable. Hopefully, I'll get a chance to go sailing some day. I am a huge fan of the fashion and style attached to the sailing and nautical lifestyle. Who doesn't want to look like this? Cute boy and cute shoes. Not much else is needed in life.
On a more positive note, it is uplifting to know that the biggest problem in my life is losing a shoe. School is going good; busy, but good. 18 hours of all upper level is kicking my butt. I'm Prez of the ole' College Democrats. The best part of this is that campaign season is gearing up. City council elections in almost two months and the 2010 election is already heating up. Despite changing my major, campaigns just get me all fired up, still. It's truly a human phenomenon and it brings out the best and worst of people. Just love it.

Life is good right now. Simple at best. I am flat broke. I haven't been shopping in almost two months (sticking to the New Year's resolution). I am definitely learning to appreciate what I have and reduce my consumeristic tendencies. I think I like this dirt poor lifestyle. We'll see how things pan out. More soon.

LC

Once you leave the nest...

You go back for life.

This may be my life very, very soon. Minus the football star dad and the "Naked Room" of course. As of a few weeks ago, my parents and I have been house hunting in Joplin. If we find the right house, and everything falls into place, my parents will be living in Joplin. I'm looking forward to this for a number of reason, the most important being that I have a really great relationship with my parents. Moving back in with the parents is a big decision. Of Course by moving back home I will be giving up some freedoms i.e. acting like a ridiculous, irresponsible college kid. But I don't feel that that is more important than the opportunity I have been given. I am very lucky to have the relationship I have with my parents and why not do something I won't ever get a chance to do again. So, here we go;

Perks of living with my parents:

-No rent

-Less fast food, more home cooking

-No electric bill

-LAUNDRY = DONE!

-My parents are badasses

-No rent

-Start saving for Grad school

-No rent

If you can't tell, I like free. I also like my parents a whole bunch. So, why on earth would I not move in with them??

The only difficulty I am having with making this discussion, is whether or not I want to give up Oklahoma. I'm proud of where I come from, and I love being able to come back home to this state. But other than that, there really is not much here for me. I love Missouri. I love the people, the town, the school and the possibilities.

I'm done worrying about my future, where I'll go to grad school, when I'll get married, where my future job will take me ext... I don't know where I will go in my future, but my present is rooted here in Missouri and I am going to make the most of every second I have here.

So, it's gonna' take a stick of dynamite to get me out of my parents house. And I'm completely okay with that. Stay tuned.

- Larissa

"When an Okie Moves to California.."

"He raises the IQ of both states." - Will Rogers

Well, I didn't move to California, but I sure as heck will be doing a bunch more visiting. It's been a solid year since I have been out of the midwest, and it was much needed.

I was told in the Tulsa airport, that I looked like a real live, Vogue, Jet-setter. Probably the

best compliment I have ever recieved... Shows how shallow I am. I hate to sound like a completely sheltered, Okie, but California sure seemed like a completely different world from my small towns and cozy cities. At first I was fairly certain I would hate San Diego, but in my time there, I definitely became a fan. It might be the mixture of In and Out Burger, the amazing downtown area, the good company I kept while I was there or the fact that I was on the beach in October, but I loved it. I got to swim in the Pacific ocean for the first time and travel outside of the U.S. for the first time. Always good to mark some stuff off the ol' "To Do" list.

I'd say the number one lesson I learned during my trip was, "Viva Mexico!" Despite getting caught in a shot out in Tijuana and fog all day, I'm pretty confident that Mexico is the place to be. Can't beat spending ten minutes bartering for a piggy bank in the shape of a donkey and cheap beer on the beach. I came back with Mexican Jumping beans, which means the trip was a complete success. Mexico definitely made me a bit more appreciative for my clean water, decent education system and overall a better standard of living here in America. We really are a pretty lucky nation. Definitely takes traveling to a developing country to understand that though.

Also, to balance out my patriotism, here's a picture of that ridiculous wall we built along the boarder. Looked about as intimidating as a wet paper bag. Bad move, America. As a Christian nation, shouldn't we love thy neighbor, rather than build a wall to keep them out? Just a thought.

One of the stipulations of me going to California was that I return home safely. I'm my father's only daughter, so he means business when it comes to this matter. Luckily, this sailor got me back to the airport safely. Woke up to these my first morning there.

I haven't gotten flowers since Valentine's day in high school. And I'm a sappy girl, so I took this as a sign of how my week would go. Needless to say, It went perfectly. This means December 25th I will be back in beautiful San Diego. Pretty wonderful way to spend the holidays. I'll get to be there for New Year's and I will be back a week before the Spring semester begins. And then A week later I'm flying out to Florida.

Things have taken off so fast lately. I feel like my life is moving a head much quicker than I anticipated, but so far it is for the best. I'm content with how things are going and for the first time, I'm not worried about so many things. I feel like I have and am continuing to make good choices, and I'm finally reaping the rewards. I'd say I'm pretty darn lucky at this stage in my life. I plan on keeping this momentum going.

One Month Later?!

Well, being 20 is still wonderful. I've been writing a bunch papers and reading a whole bunch. I quit my job at the casino. You can only be hit on by creeps one too many times before you realize the kind of image you are projecting by being a cocktail waitress. So I am jobless and being forced to budget wisely. If you know me, then you know I am not good with money management and therefore this is a big challenge for me. 

I love clothes. I am not an artists by any means. I can't paint, draw, take beautiful pictures or do anything of the sort to express myself. My clothes are an expression. I attribute it to the years of hiding in my room, staying up past my bed time, and watching "Sex and the City" every night, when I was not allowed to. It started in 5th grade. I was convinced I was going to be a fashion designer and that New York City was the only place for me. Obviously things have changed a bit since then. I adore my life here in Middle America. I want to be a community organizer, a politician and retire to be a college professor. Although my dreams have changed, fashion will always be my outlet and a HUGE passion of mine. My outfits are something I can create entirely on my own each morning and that is wonderful.  So now, I've got to be completely resourceful and recycle  to continue creating something great each day.

One another note, I roadtripped with the parents to Oklahoma City this weekend. It was family reunion time. It was a good time. There was lots of smoked meat, potato salad, the football game on the radio and coffee heated over the fire.

My dad and Betsey Johnson at Cross reunion '09

See that line of old men? Those are the men that I come from. They are 100% Oklahoman. Part cherokee, part grumpy old man and part beer connoisseur. My dad is the youngest of 6 brothers. Not only can I not imagine growing up with that many, siblings, I can't imagine how his mom dealt with that much testosterone. I have a pretty large family and that's nice. Of course I am not super close to all of them but it's still nice to know there are a few people out there who are rooting for me. 

Finally, in about 48 hours, I will be on a California bound plane. I'm real excited. I've never been to California and I've got a pretty darn good excuse to go. I will be flying out this Wednesday evening and flying back next Tuesday. Expect some expansion when I get back. I've got a bunch of packing to do and a whole bunch of homework to get out of the way so that I can be distraction free during my time on the west coast. I'll try and not wait a month to write about my adventures in California.

-Larissa

The 28th

On Friday, August 28th 2009, I had the most significant moment of my life occur... In a Food 4 Less. I got the call from my dad on the way to see my mom. "Your mom wanted to tell you, So Don't tell her I told you because, I'm not supposed to." I found my mom in the meat isle and gave her a hug, simply because I was speechless. I was shaking, and laughing and crying and when I told her I knew and we both started crying. "He got a 100%." Right there in the middle of Food 4 Less.

If you know anything about Veterans, then you know about the Bureau of Veterans Affairs. It is an agency designed to provide support and benefits to our country's veterans. For as long as I have been aware  of my family's situations, I can remember my father constantly appealing for 100% disability from the V.A.. My father is clinically diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It is defined as  an "anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat." Over time my father has been awarded 35% and 70%, but no 100%. It has been a symbol to our family. A goal that once reached would solve so many of our family's problems and answer all of our unanswered questions. Receiving 100%, to our family, was the government finally owning up to the fact that their war, a war that in no way should have affected my father, ruined his emotional and mental health and would affect every avenue he chose to take for the rest of his life. As It is in no way about the benefits that come with being 100% disabled by the V.A. what matters, to me it is the governments 100% recognition that every mile of jungle my father trekked through, every grenade launched, every time he was ordered to open fire on a village of women and children, every moment he thought would be his last directly impacted the man he is today. I am convinced that there is no human being that can witness that carnage, cause that much death and know that they are the ones inflicting it, that can home and sleep soundly. To live through a war, you must simply arrive back in the U.S. alive. But to survive a war, you must carry on in society as if those days in the jungle never occurred. You must not show weakness just as you were instructed in the army. You must be a good father and forget about the blood. I will never forget the moment I saw my father stumbling drunk. He confessed through slurred words that, "You don't know what I have seen or the things I have done... And I don't want you too. That's my burden." From that moment on, I never doubted my father's mental state. I saw Vietnam as vividly as he saw it every day in his mind and I knew that it was simply something one could not erase.

On August the 28th, 2009, My family finally escaped the legacy of the Vietnam War. We can finally turn the page, finish the chapter and close the book. Looking back, I realize that my father is not the only "war hero" in our family. My mother is the bravest, captain of them all. She stood by a crazy, Vietnam Vet, diagnosed with PTSD and a family verified alcoholic for 20 years. She remained an anchor for my father and I when we all thought we couldn't handle our situation for one more day. When the nights seemed insurmountable for us, we would wake up to biscuits and gravy; over which we would become a family again. She handled herself with grace, bravery, and dignity. There are times when any normal human being would cut their loses and call it "every man for themselves", yet she continued to fulfill her duties as a mother and a wife. She went above and beyond the call of duty and for that she deserves every medal offered. 

I have never been more proud of my family in my life. I have yet to see my father since we received the news, but the many times we have spoken on the phone since, I hear a change. There is a spark in his voice that wasn't there before. To me it's a spark of hope, but at the same time, it's the sound of absence. It's the absence of years of pain and misguidance finally sealed and closed. Time to move forward together, Mom and Dad.

"I was 19, call me."

I was a freshman in college. I was away from home. And I was in way over my head.

I think it is important to let people who matter to you know that they matter. And that is the main purpose of this blog. Most of you know the many adventures and shenanigans  of the past year of my life. No need to waste time on retelling it.

People who made the 19th year of my life beautiful;

Family - Always good to come home to them. Fourth of July was one of the best nights. I love being around my parents but I love being around my brother and my two sister more. I don't really think they know how much they mean to me and how greatly they have influenced my life. I look up to my siblings so much and I have mountains of respect and gratitude for them. My sister told me a few days ago, "If you ever need bailed out of jail, just call me." Better believe I'll take you up on that, sister!

Friends - I have met some of the most amazing people in Joplin, Missouri. Jeremiah, Whitney, Kyle, Patricia, Savannah, Meagan, Glenn, Andrew, Will, Keaton, Natalie, Emily, Will T., Emery. And those are just a portion. You guys have contributed to my life in so many ways. You've influenced me, you've made me laugh, drank with me, watched me make a fool of myself, told me stories, heard me sing, taught me lessons, and just overall had some amazing times together. I am also very lucky that I still have old friends to always turn to. Moral of the story; new or old, I love you and appreciate everything you have brought to my life.

Turning 20 is a big deal for me, because it is closing the chapter on the "teen" years of my life. Most of which I spent awkward and in marching band.  So far, being 20 is no different. I'm still exactly the same except no marching band. I'm planning on this next year of my life being even better than the last. Thanks to everyone who  I have been lucky enough to count as my friend. I owe you so much.

All Wrapped up in Being 19

Prequel Blog to my Birthday blog:

 I don't think I'll ever be as adult-like as my peers, because to me, Adolescence is a stage of constant learning. Adulthood starts when there is no more knowledge to be gained. Everyday I learn new things, whether it be about myself or life in general. For instance, I just recently learned how to correctly apply eye shadow and how to get stains out of the carpet. I still can't quite grapple how to hold chopsticks or figure out what the square root of a power is; and I'm still learning about heartbreak and how to fully appreciate the important people in my life. 

My only excuse for any of these things is simply that I'm young. But, I don't think that my lack of life experience and knowledge constitutes me as immature. I think immaturity comes when you fail to recognize you have plenty of growing to do. And I do not pretend that I am the most intelligent or the most put together person out there. Most of the time I'm a mess. I have so much learning to do. And I don't think that makes me too young or too immature. Frankly, I don't believe in being too young. I have over half of my life left to be too old. So, why waste time wanting to be older? One day I'll look back and wish for the time when I was too young.

So for the time being, I'm content with being too young, too green and too uneducated. With age comes knowledge and I'll wait patiently until life delivers it to me.

Denny's Conversations

Making the realization that others judgements about ourselves has no effect on our life is a difficult thing to do. I'm working on it. This is a shout out to everyone who has listened to me and given me some worthy advice on how to deal with the situation I face. 

I'm convinced that people change not because of lack of standings or morals, but because we are "constant works in progress"(SYG). It's part of being human. We adapt to our surroundings and grow because we as humans are uniquely capable of mental capacity and emotions.

If you can  deem my life and accomplishments as unworthy because at the end of the day I will have a beer, then one day you will come to the realization that your own cruelty overshadows your own life work. Not all the beers in the world can erase the fact that I am and will be a damn fine person. Sometimes I fall short, but my intentions are always good... Unless you are my mean neighbor F-2... Then I will light fireworks on your porch at 2a.m. Anyhow, Each day is a step closer to the person I am meant to be. If I accept who I am now and refuse to change, than I fail to reach my full potential. I recognize that not all change is good, but that recognition alone and commitment to constantly bettering myself will prevent me from ever changing for the worse.

So, you may not agree with me. I'm okay with it. Your approval does not determine my happiness. 

-Larissa

One Year ago.

Today.

 “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.” – Dr. Seuss

Welp

Still putting off a real post.

Here's my life right now:

Love these people.

I am a big quality over quantity person. 

These people have a lot of quality. And there are more who refuse to Photobooth with me.

 On another note, drove home from the Hookah lounge tonight with open windows, rain and Jack's Mannequin. 

There are some simple things in this life that just cannot be topped.

Appreciate them.

-Larissa