One Month Later?!

Well, being 20 is still wonderful. I've been writing a bunch papers and reading a whole bunch. I quit my job at the casino. You can only be hit on by creeps one too many times before you realize the kind of image you are projecting by being a cocktail waitress. So I am jobless and being forced to budget wisely. If you know me, then you know I am not good with money management and therefore this is a big challenge for me. 

I love clothes. I am not an artists by any means. I can't paint, draw, take beautiful pictures or do anything of the sort to express myself. My clothes are an expression. I attribute it to the years of hiding in my room, staying up past my bed time, and watching "Sex and the City" every night, when I was not allowed to. It started in 5th grade. I was convinced I was going to be a fashion designer and that New York City was the only place for me. Obviously things have changed a bit since then. I adore my life here in Middle America. I want to be a community organizer, a politician and retire to be a college professor. Although my dreams have changed, fashion will always be my outlet and a HUGE passion of mine. My outfits are something I can create entirely on my own each morning and that is wonderful.  So now, I've got to be completely resourceful and recycle  to continue creating something great each day.

One another note, I roadtripped with the parents to Oklahoma City this weekend. It was family reunion time. It was a good time. There was lots of smoked meat, potato salad, the football game on the radio and coffee heated over the fire.

My dad and Betsey Johnson at Cross reunion '09

See that line of old men? Those are the men that I come from. They are 100% Oklahoman. Part cherokee, part grumpy old man and part beer connoisseur. My dad is the youngest of 6 brothers. Not only can I not imagine growing up with that many, siblings, I can't imagine how his mom dealt with that much testosterone. I have a pretty large family and that's nice. Of course I am not super close to all of them but it's still nice to know there are a few people out there who are rooting for me. 

Finally, in about 48 hours, I will be on a California bound plane. I'm real excited. I've never been to California and I've got a pretty darn good excuse to go. I will be flying out this Wednesday evening and flying back next Tuesday. Expect some expansion when I get back. I've got a bunch of packing to do and a whole bunch of homework to get out of the way so that I can be distraction free during my time on the west coast. I'll try and not wait a month to write about my adventures in California.

-Larissa

The 28th

On Friday, August 28th 2009, I had the most significant moment of my life occur... In a Food 4 Less. I got the call from my dad on the way to see my mom. "Your mom wanted to tell you, So Don't tell her I told you because, I'm not supposed to." I found my mom in the meat isle and gave her a hug, simply because I was speechless. I was shaking, and laughing and crying and when I told her I knew and we both started crying. "He got a 100%." Right there in the middle of Food 4 Less.

If you know anything about Veterans, then you know about the Bureau of Veterans Affairs. It is an agency designed to provide support and benefits to our country's veterans. For as long as I have been aware  of my family's situations, I can remember my father constantly appealing for 100% disability from the V.A.. My father is clinically diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It is defined as  an "anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat." Over time my father has been awarded 35% and 70%, but no 100%. It has been a symbol to our family. A goal that once reached would solve so many of our family's problems and answer all of our unanswered questions. Receiving 100%, to our family, was the government finally owning up to the fact that their war, a war that in no way should have affected my father, ruined his emotional and mental health and would affect every avenue he chose to take for the rest of his life. As It is in no way about the benefits that come with being 100% disabled by the V.A. what matters, to me it is the governments 100% recognition that every mile of jungle my father trekked through, every grenade launched, every time he was ordered to open fire on a village of women and children, every moment he thought would be his last directly impacted the man he is today. I am convinced that there is no human being that can witness that carnage, cause that much death and know that they are the ones inflicting it, that can home and sleep soundly. To live through a war, you must simply arrive back in the U.S. alive. But to survive a war, you must carry on in society as if those days in the jungle never occurred. You must not show weakness just as you were instructed in the army. You must be a good father and forget about the blood. I will never forget the moment I saw my father stumbling drunk. He confessed through slurred words that, "You don't know what I have seen or the things I have done... And I don't want you too. That's my burden." From that moment on, I never doubted my father's mental state. I saw Vietnam as vividly as he saw it every day in his mind and I knew that it was simply something one could not erase.

On August the 28th, 2009, My family finally escaped the legacy of the Vietnam War. We can finally turn the page, finish the chapter and close the book. Looking back, I realize that my father is not the only "war hero" in our family. My mother is the bravest, captain of them all. She stood by a crazy, Vietnam Vet, diagnosed with PTSD and a family verified alcoholic for 20 years. She remained an anchor for my father and I when we all thought we couldn't handle our situation for one more day. When the nights seemed insurmountable for us, we would wake up to biscuits and gravy; over which we would become a family again. She handled herself with grace, bravery, and dignity. There are times when any normal human being would cut their loses and call it "every man for themselves", yet she continued to fulfill her duties as a mother and a wife. She went above and beyond the call of duty and for that she deserves every medal offered. 

I have never been more proud of my family in my life. I have yet to see my father since we received the news, but the many times we have spoken on the phone since, I hear a change. There is a spark in his voice that wasn't there before. To me it's a spark of hope, but at the same time, it's the sound of absence. It's the absence of years of pain and misguidance finally sealed and closed. Time to move forward together, Mom and Dad.

"I was 19, call me."

I was a freshman in college. I was away from home. And I was in way over my head.

I think it is important to let people who matter to you know that they matter. And that is the main purpose of this blog. Most of you know the many adventures and shenanigans  of the past year of my life. No need to waste time on retelling it.

People who made the 19th year of my life beautiful;

Family - Always good to come home to them. Fourth of July was one of the best nights. I love being around my parents but I love being around my brother and my two sister more. I don't really think they know how much they mean to me and how greatly they have influenced my life. I look up to my siblings so much and I have mountains of respect and gratitude for them. My sister told me a few days ago, "If you ever need bailed out of jail, just call me." Better believe I'll take you up on that, sister!

Friends - I have met some of the most amazing people in Joplin, Missouri. Jeremiah, Whitney, Kyle, Patricia, Savannah, Meagan, Glenn, Andrew, Will, Keaton, Natalie, Emily, Will T., Emery. And those are just a portion. You guys have contributed to my life in so many ways. You've influenced me, you've made me laugh, drank with me, watched me make a fool of myself, told me stories, heard me sing, taught me lessons, and just overall had some amazing times together. I am also very lucky that I still have old friends to always turn to. Moral of the story; new or old, I love you and appreciate everything you have brought to my life.

Turning 20 is a big deal for me, because it is closing the chapter on the "teen" years of my life. Most of which I spent awkward and in marching band.  So far, being 20 is no different. I'm still exactly the same except no marching band. I'm planning on this next year of my life being even better than the last. Thanks to everyone who  I have been lucky enough to count as my friend. I owe you so much.

All Wrapped up in Being 19

Prequel Blog to my Birthday blog:

 I don't think I'll ever be as adult-like as my peers, because to me, Adolescence is a stage of constant learning. Adulthood starts when there is no more knowledge to be gained. Everyday I learn new things, whether it be about myself or life in general. For instance, I just recently learned how to correctly apply eye shadow and how to get stains out of the carpet. I still can't quite grapple how to hold chopsticks or figure out what the square root of a power is; and I'm still learning about heartbreak and how to fully appreciate the important people in my life. 

My only excuse for any of these things is simply that I'm young. But, I don't think that my lack of life experience and knowledge constitutes me as immature. I think immaturity comes when you fail to recognize you have plenty of growing to do. And I do not pretend that I am the most intelligent or the most put together person out there. Most of the time I'm a mess. I have so much learning to do. And I don't think that makes me too young or too immature. Frankly, I don't believe in being too young. I have over half of my life left to be too old. So, why waste time wanting to be older? One day I'll look back and wish for the time when I was too young.

So for the time being, I'm content with being too young, too green and too uneducated. With age comes knowledge and I'll wait patiently until life delivers it to me.

Denny's Conversations

Making the realization that others judgements about ourselves has no effect on our life is a difficult thing to do. I'm working on it. This is a shout out to everyone who has listened to me and given me some worthy advice on how to deal with the situation I face. 

I'm convinced that people change not because of lack of standings or morals, but because we are "constant works in progress"(SYG). It's part of being human. We adapt to our surroundings and grow because we as humans are uniquely capable of mental capacity and emotions.

If you can  deem my life and accomplishments as unworthy because at the end of the day I will have a beer, then one day you will come to the realization that your own cruelty overshadows your own life work. Not all the beers in the world can erase the fact that I am and will be a damn fine person. Sometimes I fall short, but my intentions are always good... Unless you are my mean neighbor F-2... Then I will light fireworks on your porch at 2a.m. Anyhow, Each day is a step closer to the person I am meant to be. If I accept who I am now and refuse to change, than I fail to reach my full potential. I recognize that not all change is good, but that recognition alone and commitment to constantly bettering myself will prevent me from ever changing for the worse.

So, you may not agree with me. I'm okay with it. Your approval does not determine my happiness. 

-Larissa

One Year ago.

Today.

 “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.” – Dr. Seuss

Welp

Still putting off a real post.

Here's my life right now:

Love these people.

I am a big quality over quantity person. 

These people have a lot of quality. And there are more who refuse to Photobooth with me.

 On another note, drove home from the Hookah lounge tonight with open windows, rain and Jack's Mannequin. 

There are some simple things in this life that just cannot be topped.

Appreciate them.

-Larissa

Cover

Absolutely nothing exciting is going on. Got a new job. Besides that, my life is currently full of work, pool time and lots of late night coffee.

The following is the reason for this post:

I think this video is the best thing since sliced bread. This is Weezer covering "Kids" by MGMT... And then going right into a Lady Gaga song. I've been pretty hooked on it for a good month. 

A real blog about real stuff to come soon.