"When an Okie Moves to California.."

"He raises the IQ of both states." - Will Rogers

Well, I didn't move to California, but I sure as heck will be doing a bunch more visiting. It's been a solid year since I have been out of the midwest, and it was much needed.

I was told in the Tulsa airport, that I looked like a real live, Vogue, Jet-setter. Probably the

best compliment I have ever recieved... Shows how shallow I am. I hate to sound like a completely sheltered, Okie, but California sure seemed like a completely different world from my small towns and cozy cities. At first I was fairly certain I would hate San Diego, but in my time there, I definitely became a fan. It might be the mixture of In and Out Burger, the amazing downtown area, the good company I kept while I was there or the fact that I was on the beach in October, but I loved it. I got to swim in the Pacific ocean for the first time and travel outside of the U.S. for the first time. Always good to mark some stuff off the ol' "To Do" list.

I'd say the number one lesson I learned during my trip was, "Viva Mexico!" Despite getting caught in a shot out in Tijuana and fog all day, I'm pretty confident that Mexico is the place to be. Can't beat spending ten minutes bartering for a piggy bank in the shape of a donkey and cheap beer on the beach. I came back with Mexican Jumping beans, which means the trip was a complete success. Mexico definitely made me a bit more appreciative for my clean water, decent education system and overall a better standard of living here in America. We really are a pretty lucky nation. Definitely takes traveling to a developing country to understand that though.

Also, to balance out my patriotism, here's a picture of that ridiculous wall we built along the boarder. Looked about as intimidating as a wet paper bag. Bad move, America. As a Christian nation, shouldn't we love thy neighbor, rather than build a wall to keep them out? Just a thought.

One of the stipulations of me going to California was that I return home safely. I'm my father's only daughter, so he means business when it comes to this matter. Luckily, this sailor got me back to the airport safely. Woke up to these my first morning there.

I haven't gotten flowers since Valentine's day in high school. And I'm a sappy girl, so I took this as a sign of how my week would go. Needless to say, It went perfectly. This means December 25th I will be back in beautiful San Diego. Pretty wonderful way to spend the holidays. I'll get to be there for New Year's and I will be back a week before the Spring semester begins. And then A week later I'm flying out to Florida.

Things have taken off so fast lately. I feel like my life is moving a head much quicker than I anticipated, but so far it is for the best. I'm content with how things are going and for the first time, I'm not worried about so many things. I feel like I have and am continuing to make good choices, and I'm finally reaping the rewards. I'd say I'm pretty darn lucky at this stage in my life. I plan on keeping this momentum going.

One Month Later?!

Well, being 20 is still wonderful. I've been writing a bunch papers and reading a whole bunch. I quit my job at the casino. You can only be hit on by creeps one too many times before you realize the kind of image you are projecting by being a cocktail waitress. So I am jobless and being forced to budget wisely. If you know me, then you know I am not good with money management and therefore this is a big challenge for me. 

I love clothes. I am not an artists by any means. I can't paint, draw, take beautiful pictures or do anything of the sort to express myself. My clothes are an expression. I attribute it to the years of hiding in my room, staying up past my bed time, and watching "Sex and the City" every night, when I was not allowed to. It started in 5th grade. I was convinced I was going to be a fashion designer and that New York City was the only place for me. Obviously things have changed a bit since then. I adore my life here in Middle America. I want to be a community organizer, a politician and retire to be a college professor. Although my dreams have changed, fashion will always be my outlet and a HUGE passion of mine. My outfits are something I can create entirely on my own each morning and that is wonderful.  So now, I've got to be completely resourceful and recycle  to continue creating something great each day.

One another note, I roadtripped with the parents to Oklahoma City this weekend. It was family reunion time. It was a good time. There was lots of smoked meat, potato salad, the football game on the radio and coffee heated over the fire.

My dad and Betsey Johnson at Cross reunion '09

See that line of old men? Those are the men that I come from. They are 100% Oklahoman. Part cherokee, part grumpy old man and part beer connoisseur. My dad is the youngest of 6 brothers. Not only can I not imagine growing up with that many, siblings, I can't imagine how his mom dealt with that much testosterone. I have a pretty large family and that's nice. Of course I am not super close to all of them but it's still nice to know there are a few people out there who are rooting for me. 

Finally, in about 48 hours, I will be on a California bound plane. I'm real excited. I've never been to California and I've got a pretty darn good excuse to go. I will be flying out this Wednesday evening and flying back next Tuesday. Expect some expansion when I get back. I've got a bunch of packing to do and a whole bunch of homework to get out of the way so that I can be distraction free during my time on the west coast. I'll try and not wait a month to write about my adventures in California.

-Larissa

The 28th

On Friday, August 28th 2009, I had the most significant moment of my life occur... In a Food 4 Less. I got the call from my dad on the way to see my mom. "Your mom wanted to tell you, So Don't tell her I told you because, I'm not supposed to." I found my mom in the meat isle and gave her a hug, simply because I was speechless. I was shaking, and laughing and crying and when I told her I knew and we both started crying. "He got a 100%." Right there in the middle of Food 4 Less.

If you know anything about Veterans, then you know about the Bureau of Veterans Affairs. It is an agency designed to provide support and benefits to our country's veterans. For as long as I have been aware  of my family's situations, I can remember my father constantly appealing for 100% disability from the V.A.. My father is clinically diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It is defined as  an "anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat." Over time my father has been awarded 35% and 70%, but no 100%. It has been a symbol to our family. A goal that once reached would solve so many of our family's problems and answer all of our unanswered questions. Receiving 100%, to our family, was the government finally owning up to the fact that their war, a war that in no way should have affected my father, ruined his emotional and mental health and would affect every avenue he chose to take for the rest of his life. As It is in no way about the benefits that come with being 100% disabled by the V.A. what matters, to me it is the governments 100% recognition that every mile of jungle my father trekked through, every grenade launched, every time he was ordered to open fire on a village of women and children, every moment he thought would be his last directly impacted the man he is today. I am convinced that there is no human being that can witness that carnage, cause that much death and know that they are the ones inflicting it, that can home and sleep soundly. To live through a war, you must simply arrive back in the U.S. alive. But to survive a war, you must carry on in society as if those days in the jungle never occurred. You must not show weakness just as you were instructed in the army. You must be a good father and forget about the blood. I will never forget the moment I saw my father stumbling drunk. He confessed through slurred words that, "You don't know what I have seen or the things I have done... And I don't want you too. That's my burden." From that moment on, I never doubted my father's mental state. I saw Vietnam as vividly as he saw it every day in his mind and I knew that it was simply something one could not erase.

On August the 28th, 2009, My family finally escaped the legacy of the Vietnam War. We can finally turn the page, finish the chapter and close the book. Looking back, I realize that my father is not the only "war hero" in our family. My mother is the bravest, captain of them all. She stood by a crazy, Vietnam Vet, diagnosed with PTSD and a family verified alcoholic for 20 years. She remained an anchor for my father and I when we all thought we couldn't handle our situation for one more day. When the nights seemed insurmountable for us, we would wake up to biscuits and gravy; over which we would become a family again. She handled herself with grace, bravery, and dignity. There are times when any normal human being would cut their loses and call it "every man for themselves", yet she continued to fulfill her duties as a mother and a wife. She went above and beyond the call of duty and for that she deserves every medal offered. 

I have never been more proud of my family in my life. I have yet to see my father since we received the news, but the many times we have spoken on the phone since, I hear a change. There is a spark in his voice that wasn't there before. To me it's a spark of hope, but at the same time, it's the sound of absence. It's the absence of years of pain and misguidance finally sealed and closed. Time to move forward together, Mom and Dad.

"I was 19, call me."

I was a freshman in college. I was away from home. And I was in way over my head.

I think it is important to let people who matter to you know that they matter. And that is the main purpose of this blog. Most of you know the many adventures and shenanigans  of the past year of my life. No need to waste time on retelling it.

People who made the 19th year of my life beautiful;

Family - Always good to come home to them. Fourth of July was one of the best nights. I love being around my parents but I love being around my brother and my two sister more. I don't really think they know how much they mean to me and how greatly they have influenced my life. I look up to my siblings so much and I have mountains of respect and gratitude for them. My sister told me a few days ago, "If you ever need bailed out of jail, just call me." Better believe I'll take you up on that, sister!

Friends - I have met some of the most amazing people in Joplin, Missouri. Jeremiah, Whitney, Kyle, Patricia, Savannah, Meagan, Glenn, Andrew, Will, Keaton, Natalie, Emily, Will T., Emery. And those are just a portion. You guys have contributed to my life in so many ways. You've influenced me, you've made me laugh, drank with me, watched me make a fool of myself, told me stories, heard me sing, taught me lessons, and just overall had some amazing times together. I am also very lucky that I still have old friends to always turn to. Moral of the story; new or old, I love you and appreciate everything you have brought to my life.

Turning 20 is a big deal for me, because it is closing the chapter on the "teen" years of my life. Most of which I spent awkward and in marching band.  So far, being 20 is no different. I'm still exactly the same except no marching band. I'm planning on this next year of my life being even better than the last. Thanks to everyone who  I have been lucky enough to count as my friend. I owe you so much.

All Wrapped up in Being 19

Prequel Blog to my Birthday blog:

 I don't think I'll ever be as adult-like as my peers, because to me, Adolescence is a stage of constant learning. Adulthood starts when there is no more knowledge to be gained. Everyday I learn new things, whether it be about myself or life in general. For instance, I just recently learned how to correctly apply eye shadow and how to get stains out of the carpet. I still can't quite grapple how to hold chopsticks or figure out what the square root of a power is; and I'm still learning about heartbreak and how to fully appreciate the important people in my life. 

My only excuse for any of these things is simply that I'm young. But, I don't think that my lack of life experience and knowledge constitutes me as immature. I think immaturity comes when you fail to recognize you have plenty of growing to do. And I do not pretend that I am the most intelligent or the most put together person out there. Most of the time I'm a mess. I have so much learning to do. And I don't think that makes me too young or too immature. Frankly, I don't believe in being too young. I have over half of my life left to be too old. So, why waste time wanting to be older? One day I'll look back and wish for the time when I was too young.

So for the time being, I'm content with being too young, too green and too uneducated. With age comes knowledge and I'll wait patiently until life delivers it to me.

Denny's Conversations

Making the realization that others judgements about ourselves has no effect on our life is a difficult thing to do. I'm working on it. This is a shout out to everyone who has listened to me and given me some worthy advice on how to deal with the situation I face. 

I'm convinced that people change not because of lack of standings or morals, but because we are "constant works in progress"(SYG). It's part of being human. We adapt to our surroundings and grow because we as humans are uniquely capable of mental capacity and emotions.

If you can  deem my life and accomplishments as unworthy because at the end of the day I will have a beer, then one day you will come to the realization that your own cruelty overshadows your own life work. Not all the beers in the world can erase the fact that I am and will be a damn fine person. Sometimes I fall short, but my intentions are always good... Unless you are my mean neighbor F-2... Then I will light fireworks on your porch at 2a.m. Anyhow, Each day is a step closer to the person I am meant to be. If I accept who I am now and refuse to change, than I fail to reach my full potential. I recognize that not all change is good, but that recognition alone and commitment to constantly bettering myself will prevent me from ever changing for the worse.

So, you may not agree with me. I'm okay with it. Your approval does not determine my happiness. 

-Larissa

One Year ago.

Today.

 “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.” – Dr. Seuss

Welp

Still putting off a real post.

Here's my life right now:

Love these people.

I am a big quality over quantity person. 

These people have a lot of quality. And there are more who refuse to Photobooth with me.

 On another note, drove home from the Hookah lounge tonight with open windows, rain and Jack's Mannequin. 

There are some simple things in this life that just cannot be topped.

Appreciate them.

-Larissa

Cover

Absolutely nothing exciting is going on. Got a new job. Besides that, my life is currently full of work, pool time and lots of late night coffee.

The following is the reason for this post:

I think this video is the best thing since sliced bread. This is Weezer covering "Kids" by MGMT... And then going right into a Lady Gaga song. I've been pretty hooked on it for a good month. 

A real blog about real stuff to come soon.

Portrait of a Dad

Meet Larry Dwayne Cross

He was born in the 40’s to a family of 6 boys. He went to school in Oklahoma City with segregated water fountains and went home every day to a house in the “black community”. His views of other races are still constrained by his childhood, but I am proud to say in 2008 he voted for a black man as his President.  When an early form of Taco Bell came to Oklahoma City, he and his friends threw a full pack of firecrackers into their chimney. He dropped out of school in high school and walked through lines of protestors to join the Army.  During his time in Vietnam, he was a member of a gun truck team.  His truck was named after the song “Bad Moon Rising” by Credence Clearwater Revival and he never can listen to it without telling a war story to whoever will listen.  I don’t need to divulge any of the details of what he did while in Vietnam, because if you are even remotely aware of the carnage done by our troops you will have an idea.  He returned home with some medals to a country that hated him. He worked as a truck driver and met my mom on a blind date. I could listen to my dad tell the story over and over. Sitting in my living room as a little kid and listening to my parents and brothers and sister, account how my parents met is one of my favorite childhood memories. I have pictures of a tall, lean Larry Cross with jet black hair and a full, matching mustache holding a drooling, bubbly, human (me). He has a tattoo on each forearm and for that reason alone he forbids me from getting tattoos. He raised me on Buddy Holiday, Elvis, and Hank Williams. He bought rusted, old Ford trucks and surprised my mom with them.  He used to spend 5 days a week on the road and while he was gone, I would wear his shirts that smelled of sunshine and tobacco. He proved he never forgot about me while he was gone by bringing home turtles, bats and other animals he found during his time on the road.  We spent Saturday mornings watching Popeye, Gunsmoke, and MA.S.H.. He would buy me plastic swords and I would run around the living room smacking him, laughing and yelling “Asshole” at the top of my little lungs. He taught me to shoot a BB gun and how to appreciate the calm and quiet of fishing. To some, my dad may be of questionable standings, but through his triumphs and weakness, he has taught me what it means to love others fully and to never let go of the people who love you. Because of his life experiences, I am firm in my pacifistic beliefs, firm against racism, fully committed to being the best wife/ mother some day and can tell an inappropriate joke like no other. My dad has always told me I am the most important thing in his life and for that reason alone, I refuse to be nothing but a success. My dad isn’t perfect and sometimes he falters in his duty as a father, but I have never once doubted his love for me. I hope that one day I can love with such an intensity and show my children how important that is.

 

Thanks Dad. I owe you so much. 

P.S. This picture of my parents and I just makes my day. That's our dog Betsey and my cat Peter Towshend creeping. I am real dang lucky.

"They say that time changes things..."

"But you actually have to change them yourself." -Andy Warhol.

Excuses for Why it has been a MONTH since I have blogged:

1. A few days of pool time, ghost hunts, and shopping with the Mom. ( Which was just wonderful. Can't ever beat good times with Momma. Love her.)

2. I started back to work at the Chuck.

3. Living in three states = never having at least one of the following; laptop, laptop charger, internet, or time.

4. Been hangin' out with these kids. They are a blast.

   So, things are finally getting back on lockdown. For the past two weeks, I have kind of felt like I am strewn all over the place. Working and living in Fayetteville on the weekends, not exactly settled into Grove, Oklahoma, and trying to make Joplin home again. Took me a solid day to grasp that the chaotic parts of my life are useful in that once they are over, I will be able to fully appreciate how great having order and unity is. 

  Also, I have decided there are some things in my life I need to change. Nothing Earth shaking, just simple lifestyle adjustments. I've always been told that if there is something you don't like, it is up to you to change it. You'll just waste your time waiting for others to do it for you. So far, said changes  are proving to make life much sweeter.

 1. Taming the Obese Level

Can't get enough of it. I've been running my tail end off and finding out how truly out of shape I am. Guess that is what I get for thinking four years of Marching Band is an acceptable form of physical activity. No more pop, fried foods or chocolate. Unless the occasion calls for it. Anyhow, I am also using some left over scholarship money to secure a bike as soon as I get into Joplin.  Hoping to use the car less this summer, but with Joplin's less than biker-friendly roads, who knows.

2.  My education

I am not entirely proud of my average performance in school. So, I figured I'd take summer classes. But I just couldn't bring myself to spend any amount of time in a classroom this summer. Solution = Reading like a maniac. My summer Reading list includes; ridiculous amounts of Kurt V. and Chuck P. books,  a few of Marquez's works and I'm going to be tackling "War and Peace". And pretty much any other book that will make me look cool in Starbucks. If you have any suggestions as to what else I should read, do share.

3. The World

Not literally. I've been doing some community service this summer and it's made me realize how truly boring life is when one is not contributing to the world in any way. I'm confident that there is nothing as satisfying as community service. I'm thinking a career of it is the way to go.  If you kids haven't noticed lately, our entire world really is making some changes. This one in particular has got me all excited and jittery.

I would like to think this is the "I Have a Dream" speech of our generation. Don't care if you like Obama or not. You should like the idea of peace and friendly relations with the Middle East as much as I do. Also, keep an eye on the up coming presidential elections in Iran. It's going to be a way freakin' exciting. I wonder if I can be a Field organizer for Mir Hossein Mousavi. I'd learn Arabic just to phone bank for him. For those of you who suck, he is the current President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's fiercest opponent. And he rocks. Get on the bandwagon.

Conclusion, there are too many good things in life to ever settle with the bad. Pay attention to what is going on in this world. I guarantee you no remedial facebook drama is more important than a ten minute trip to CNN.COM. And summertime is just perfect. Soak it up.

-Larissa

P.S. This is what this blog was written to.

Bittersweet.

First off, this is the last week of my second semester of college. I was all online this semester and living in about three different states constantly. Seeing this semester end makes me sad for a number of reasons, but mainly because it's time for good-byes. I hate them. But I am realizing that if we never had to say good-bye to someone, we would never be able to evaluate our life without them. Good-byes make us fully appreciate that "Hello" and first moment together when they come back. I'm not one to publicize my personal life but here's a peak at one good-bye that sure as heck is going to be tough. I hope that I have been able to bring the wonderful people I have to say good-bye to as much joy as they have to my life.

Also, this semester ending means I am starting a new part of my life without the control I have had in the past. For the first time in my (somewhat) adult life, I am making decisions not because someone else wants me to or so that I can accommodate to others. I am making my decisions purely on what I want and feel. And for the first time, things are finally falling into place. Things are going just perfect. My schedule next semester is ideal...All the classes I wanted and none before 9 a.m.. I have made my first major change, or rather major adjustment, I will be double majoring in Poli. Sci. and Sociology. I am so excited. If you know me, then you know that my heart lies with the inner city struggles (The children of Tulsa, Oklahoma). I spent a week with these girls and they are the ones responsible for my ambitions.

And to be able to help better the lives of those people is just an immaculate vision to me. My life's end goal is to not only be the voice of those crushed by inner city life, but to be able to open a safe haven for their children. And I have been advised that this is exactly the step I need towards what I want to do. What more could I ask for?

As far as this summer goes, I have no idea what I will be doing. I'm not entirely looking forward to doing the lazy school kid thing because there are so many better things I could be doing. I'm dying to travel. I'm thinking Seattle sounds like the place to be ... or maybe a beach, but who knows. I have been told that traveling with the risk of Swine Flu is idiotic. But, I have also heard that "Approximately 45 percent of unintentional injury deaths occurred in and around the home." So, I'll take my chances elsewhere. I am currently looking for a fellow vagabond. Requirements: You must be willing to accept that we will be flying by the seat of our pants. This requirement is also starting to flow over into other parts of my life. I'm not really looking for stability except where it is necessary. As long as I have people to love and return the love, the status of "student" and my iPhone, I think I can handle the rest however it may come. And if not, Apple will make an App that can.

Just another Beginning

So, I have not had a blog since they were the cool thing to do in Middle School. It's time to be cool again.

I don't let bad things get me down. I'd rather talk about it and move on. So, here we go.This last semester, everything I have done was done so that this fall semester I would be a legitimate student at the University of Arkansas.  

Unfortunately, I have just been notified that over half of my credits will not transfer and that I will receive zero financial aid from them. I will have a meager 9 credits upon entering U of A. On top of that, it is a considerable amount more expensive then MSSU. (I.E. A parking pass at MSSU = $20, at U of A = $500) That's not gonna fly. I'm not one to fight the current. I like to go with the flow and let fate happen. And for some reason, I am thinking this is fate. I have been fighting leaving MSSU for TWO whole semesters now. Yet, every time nothing works out and I'm right back where I started. I am a firm believer that if something is meant to be it will happen with no kinks. I think it is time I take the hint. I'm tired of fighting the inevitable. Maybe there's a reason I'm here. Maybe (as much as I hate to say it) this is where I need to be right now. 

For the past few weeks or so I have kind of felt like I am cheating myself. I have always said if I am going to transfer, I am getting the heck out of here. And transferring just an hour away is pointless.  If I could pack it all up and go to the school of my dreams, ( A school in Austin, Seattle or Boston) I would in a heartbeat. So, what is the point of transferring now, losing tons of credits and not ending up where I want to be?

Right now, I am done with constantly looking for bigger and better. I am going to find happiness with where I am. I am going to make the most of it and just sit back and see what happens. I don't want to make assumptions about where this next semester will take me, but I know it can only get better. I am content with not knowing. 

Also, I am missing the man of my dreams tonight.

To everyone who gets the joy of seeing him tonight, think of me during "A Girl Named Go".

While you are having the time of your life, I will most likely be pounding beers and cursing a ton.